AllyG: Dudes, I’ve been a fair-weathered blogger this week. My “real life” has totally taken over and it’s had an ill-effect on my fantastic blogging skills. My jokes are dry, my videos are off. I’m just not bringing it. I promise this shall change. I can do better. I promise.
Please don’t leave me.
Is it possible to dislike Pink? How could you dislike Pink?
So, let’s get to important topics. It’s Friday! A Friday on a long weekend! Time to talk about Favourites! One of my favourite things is myself. So let’s talk about that!
I’m going to get my hair foiled this weekend (don’t worry, it’s safe during pregnancy. I googled.) and I need to think long and hard about what fabulous highlights I shall honour my locks with.
I do like a good red, particularly Drew Barrymore’s red:
Drew seems fun. She seems more fun with red hair. She’s the type of girl you could hang out with in your living room, sipping on copious amounts of pinotage while dancing around to Backstreet Boys (and screaming all the lyrics). My friends and I really do this. It’s why I love them. Shout out to you Canny and Snoop Roz! Sorry, I have to insert a video at this point. It needs to happen. Long story that I’ll share with you next time I’m intoxicated.
Hello? Dum! Dum! Dum! Let me tell you the story about the call that changed my destiiiinnnnnnnnny!….
We played this at my wedding. For reals. Not when I was walking down the aisle or anything. Although in retrospect, it would have been a classic.
Moving on. I also adore Reese Witherspoon’s hair. I sort of have her “bob” hairstyle right now (although not her stylist that makes said “bob” look perfect everyday). Should I perhaps go for a more blonde do?
My body looks like Reese’s as well. We’re like twins. Kidding. My arse is currently the size of Reese. It’s all good though, as my colleague recently told me, I’m like a cargo ship of life.
This is a cute colour blonde. Not too brassy, but not the weak “dirty blonde” either. I say if you go blonde, go blonde. Don’t wuss out.
What about a combo of red and blonde? A quick search found THIS PHOTO THAT I AM TOTALLY EXCITED ABOUT!
Yes, hello. That’s my BFF Nic Richie. Her hair looks ferosh! That is the perfect strawberry blonde!
I’m sorry if I am boring people, particularly those people who have visited our heroic blog to read up on Lady Gaga, but this is very important. You see, in a short time, I will be involved in some of the most important photos of my life. Yes, I’m talking the, I Just Had a Baby Here We are in the Hospital photos. I’ve already told my husband that I am straightening my hair before we head out to meet Baby G. For those who scoff at this or think I’m lying, you clearly don’t know me. I actually think this will be a great exercise in focus, and a wonderful opportunity to practice my breathing exercises. My face may end up with 2nd degree burns due to a adverse reaction to a contraction (I’m a poet and didn’t even know it!) but my hair will indeed look fabulous. Speaking of family photos, have you seen this website? Awkward Family Photos dot com? Hilar. I got the link from my friend Tara’s Facebook. You know Tara, she was one of our models! Check out this shot.
THIS IS SO EFFING AWESOME.
Lastly, before L-A finds out that I am spending an entire blog post pontificating about myself and how awesome I am, I would like to discuss the new eyebrow craze. Or rather, the lack of eyebrow craze.
Actually, you know what? I can’t even really hate on Kim. I find her oddly endearing. Her little blog posts and tweets are sort of adorable. Particularly when she stood up for Jessica Simpson after the Mom Jeans incident. My favourite part?
She is not fat at all and I am actually offended that people are giving her such a hard time over this! LEAVE HER ALONE!!! First of all, her outfit was FABULOUS! I loved that Fendi leopard belt with those high waisted jeans!
Kim, Kim, Kim….sigh. That’s a lie and you know it. Not even Jessica’s mother wanted to talk to her when she was wearing that outfit. You had me at “LEAVE HER ALONE!!!”. We should have stopped ‘er there.
For the record? I think Jess is gorgeous, and the “fat” jokes were ridiculous but totally typical. Her outfit is what I cannot forgive. Seriously, the belt? Seriously?
Ok. I’m done. Sorry, L-A. I haven’t given you much to work with her. Although, you love me for me.
L-A: First off all: You look great as a blonde, so I vote blonde. I’m sure you’d look fab as a redhead, but blonde would be light and summery. Just saying. But my blondeness might cause me some bias. Speaking of Reese and blondeness, have you heard tell of this atrocity:
A made-for-tv sequel! Don’t get me wrong kids, I did love that first movie. It was comedic gold on the part of Reese.
The second was dismal and light on plot, so a third? What up Hollywood types? Really? Have you seen the trailer for the aforementioned blonde atrocity? Don’t. It is close to two minutes of my life that I will never get back. I won’t even give you a link to it, just to spare you. Actually, it more like four mintues lost as it did take some time to recover from the horror and then grieve for the fact that I actually watched the damn thing. I have lost some esteem for the adorable Ms. Witherspoon for producing/presenting it. If she weren’t so well dressed and if it weren’t for the fact that she hooked herself the ever so hot Jake Gyllenhaal, then I might dismiss her altogether after seeing that tripe.
Love the dress. Love her facial expression. I believe she is saying, “that’s right bitches, he’s with me.” And so she should. But someone should talk to her about phoning it in and bringing that crapfest into the world. (Also, for the love of pete, can we talk to Jake, and George Clooney while we’re at it, about the beards? When the role is over, get the razor out – stat. Hollywood’s Leading Men Do Not Sport Beards. I’m pretty sure this is a rule in the SAG handbook).
Moving on, because the thought of that movie makes my brain implode, let’s address Jess and her jeans. Sigh. Kimmy is right – Jessica isn’t fat. But just because she put a Fendi belt on does not make those jeans okay. I’m kind of torn on the high waisted jeans. Pour example, look how lovely they can look as the sailor style jean:
Fantastique. I love. But I also know that whenever I’ve tried on any kind of high waisted jeans, I ended up looking a bit too much like J.Simps in that photo. Or, more accurately, like a middle aged mom with no sense of style. Because seriously moms of the world: I know that you don’t have to wear those jeans. You don’t have to look frumpy just because you have kids. I know because I’ve seen my mom look adorable with her matching bags and shoes and not a pair of frumpy jeans in sight. And Ally, if I catch you in Mom Jeans after you’re all settled in with Baby G, then Hand to God I will stage an intervention and put you in a twelve step program for fashion crimes.
The thing about the high waisted jean is that I find it merely accentuates the belly. Or, as Chloe Sevigny refers to it as her “baby oven.” Except, she’s in favour of them:
I don’t dig sucking my belly in all the time either, nor do I love the muffin top look, but I’m not so sure that high waisted jeans is always the answer. They might help with the muffin top, but they aren’t hiding any bellies. Then again, just because Chloe knows her shit about who designed what and when doesn’t mean you should listen to her. We’ve already talked about her wearing granny sandals and gigantic socks. Not really fashion forward, unless maybe you are a part of the bingo set. And then there is this:
What the eff is that? I guess is Proenza Schouler, but that doesn’t make it okay. I’m with the Fug Girls on this one (okay, I’m usually on side with them. Rare moment when I disagree with those girls). It really is an “oh honey no” moment. And, while we’re on the subject of Chloe and high waisted jeans:
1. There is no baby oven sucking in needed. So what the heck was she talking about? Those are abs that are begging to be shown off.
2. Even she doesn’t make them look good. And no, I don’t care if you think they do. And I usually care a lot about our readers’ thoughts on all subjects, but these just aren’t pretty. Is there really a need to cut your torso in half with your jeans? My final word on the subject is no.
So, okay, I’ve totally contradicted myself by showing you the pretty sailor style jeans and then launching into that last rant on cutting your torso in half. But that is trouble with denim. It is a world of contradictions, mishaps, and heartbreak in the change room. When I am Queen of the World (or at least get a conference call with the current Queen of the World) I am making sure that everyone of you ladies gets custom made jeans and some time with a stylist who knows how to dress a woman in denim. There will be no torso stumping, no sucking in, no muffin tops. If you want a pair of high waisted jeans, your stylist, tailor, and a French Olympic judge will have to be in agreement (you can pay the French judges off when it comes to the Olympics, but not when it comes to style).
Anyway, I think all of us North of the 49th can ignore Chloe as she has dismissed the entire country as useless.
Albeit based solely on Toronto, Montreal and Vancouver and that one hideous outfit (I would like a new law that says we can revoke citizenship based on outfits like that). …but still…I have no time for you either Ms. Sevigny. You can stay in the States and keep your crazy pants wardrobe down there with you.
Okay, so enjoy your long weekend if you’ve got one. If you don’t, call in sick and make like you do.