AllyG: There are things that I have been trying to ignore, yet it seems I just cannot live without being judgemental. And that includes tearing Lindsay Lohan a new one. I’m going to give her even more air time by crapping all over her douchebaggery of an outing for Ungaro (I’m sure she reads this blog religiously). Seriously people, W.T.F. was that shit she pulled in Paris? So many others have summed it up much better than I can (my fave? “The reviews are in for the actress Lindsay Lohan’s controversial turn as a hired muse for the house of Emanuel Ungaro, and let’s just say her arrival was greeted by critics as if a McDonald’s fry cook had been installed as the chef of a three-star Michelin restaurant,” wrote the NY Times’ Eric Wilson.), but I still feel the need to take a stab at it. Do you mind?
Look, I try to be careful not to comment too much on people’s busted faces on this blog. Some people can’t help having a busted face, and besides, we’ve all had “Busted Face Days”. In fact, I’m having one today! That’s what one hour of sleep and countless tears does to a person. Typically that sentence would have included “and shitloads of booze” but I’m a mother now so my late nights include cringing at the elephant like squeel coming from the bassinet in the knowledge that a Hoover vacuum masquerading as a cute baby is coming at my lady parts for “nourishment”. Back to the point at hand, Lindsay Lohan, an otherwise beautiful girl has become busted. I’ve stated this before but it’s worth stating again, and again, and again, WHERE THE EFF ARE HER PARENTS??!! Don’t tell me that she is old enough to take care of herself, cause her Dad is on every news outlet chatting about her prescription drug use and how he wishes she would get off them. Here’s a suggest’ Mike, “PICK UP THE EFFING PHONE”. You know, just in case Linds doesn’t happen to be tuning in to Access Hollywood the night you try to send a message in a bottle to her.
Repeat after me…
After repeated head tilts, I realize that Lilo has taken inspiration from the late 90s, specifically Christina Aguilera’s Genie in a Bottle. Yes, L-A, that does require a video.
Come, come, c’mon and let meeee ouutttt….
Sadly, unlike the genie in the bottle, this outfit does not rub me the right way, and judging by the look on that model’s face, the pants ain’t rubbing her the right way either. Ha! I kill myself!
Once again we have the most unfortunate use of pink in the history of the rainbow. I can’t quite see what is so unique about this trollip outfit besides the rope around the waist. I also sincerely hope that this model is trotting off to the local sandwich shop to get a bite to eat. Perhaps she could take Lindsay with her.
(Above photos from http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/thedishrag)
$20 says Serena wears this on Gossip Girl while lunching with Dan. Does anyone else think that this is a complete ripoff from Herve Leger’s playbook? Only difference is that this dress is hideous.
What is this? Lady Gaga’s cruise ship attire? Dynasty sans pants?
Sigh. There’s even more to mock at the link below. Thoughts, dear readers? Am I being too harsh? Am I so sleep deprived that I cannot find any love for Lilo or this line? Ha! Lilo and lines! Get it? Ha!
L-A: Oh LiLo, Kittenhead, Princess. I want to give you a hug. And take you to a nice rehab clinic in the desert. There we’ll dry you out and talk about your career. Because while we see you talking about how the Ungaro show is the best thing to ever happen and how great it is, well, I’m pretty sure it’s not. In fact, I know it’s not. But you don’t have to take my word for it.
The LA Times called it a “walk of shame”. Style.com (where I have found the pics from the show that I will be using) described it a wee bit more eloquently (it’s hard to be eloquent around this collection):
This quickly devolved into a bad joke of a fashion show, one with questionable color combinations, “bad eighties” draped silk jackets and drop-crotch pants, old-fashioned and ill-judged fur stoles, and, yes, tasteless sequin pasties.
Tasteless sequin pasties you ask? Oui. C’est vrai:
Pasties! Heart shaped pasties!
Designer Estrella Archs said something in that video along the lines of “it’s very important for me that the woman feels well”. Granted, her English doesn’t sound great, but I think she was talking about designing clothes that women feel good in. But I’ve got to ask, who feels good in pasties? I don’t mind when you send your jacket down the runway without a top (it happens all the time), but leave the pasties at the Bada-Bing.
Next review is from Women’s Wear Daily. Unfortunately you need a subscription to read the whole review (I don’t have one – this blog doesn’t pay, so no $99/year subscriptions for me), but the first line gives you an idea of what they think:
Lindsay, it’s time to get serious about reviving the acting career. After just one season, one show, Mounir Moufarrige’s Lindsay-plus-one experiment is off to a troubled start.
Ouch. It’s kind of harsh to talk about Lindsay’s acting career, considering she’s now doing movies that can’t even make it to the big screen. But back to the reviews. Since The Cut/NY Magazine can afford a subscription to WWD, they are able to provide further bon mots from the industry trade magazine’s review:
WWD called the collection “an embarrassment,” adding it looked “cheesy and dated” with an “overworked” heart motif. Lohan, the paper adds, failed to infuse the label with a more youthful sensibility.
Overworked heart motif? Why yes, there most definitely was. In addition to the sparkly heart shaped pasties, there were these:
That last jacket has a bit of a Liza Minnelli je ne sais quoi to it (seriously. Give Liza that jacket and a hat and she could cabaret the shit out that number). It also looks like it’s been paired with boxer shorts from Old Navy’s Valentine Day pajama collection. And Old Navy, while affordable and mostly practical, is not haute anything and should not be seen on the runways of Paris.
The best description of the collection is from Linds herself, as quoted in the NY Times:
The day before the show, Ms. Lohan was staring at herself in a mirror in Ungaro’s grand offices on the Avenue Montaigne, a stone’s throw from the ateliers of Yves Saint Laurent, Givenchy and other famous French labels. She picked up a black and white scarf and tied it around her head, then replaced it with a black one, and then clumsily stuck a red sequin-covered heart to the side of her head while a team of designers watched her. Ms. Lohan represents a modern version of a fashion muse. She is an actress who is being paid — with a deal reported to be worth millions — to serve as artistic adviser, most unlike the classic image, for example, of Loulou de la Falaise, the dear friend of Saint Laurent and daughter of the model Maxime de la Falaise, who would gently nudge a bow and whisper to the great couturier that it looked chicer that way.
“This is just so cool,” Ms. Lohan said, turning her attention to a white minidress splattered with sequins. “It needs more rhinestones, just so it pops.” Off to the seamstress it went. Pointing to another white dress, she said: “I call it Michelle Pfeifer in ‘Scarface.’ I was just in my office sketching for next season. I was here until, like, one o’clock last night.” (same NYT article Ally quoted from. I happened to come across it via The Cut).
Oh to be a fly on the wall during that interview. Honestly, I would have killed to see Lindsay sticking one of the pasties to the side of her head and then demanding more rhinestones to make the shit pop. The team of designers sound like toy manufacturers sitting in a room with a four year old, waiting to see what the kid will think of next. And while I can’t figure out which dress is “inspired” by Michelle Pfeifer in Scarface, I do know that they took her serioulsy about the pasties stuck to your head:
I know, I know. It’s just styling for the show, it’s not meant for us to wear. It’s still pretty hilarious that they did that to their models. And designers/stylists do weird shit to runway models. This shit just looks dumb.
Anyway, at least the reviewers are trying to go easy on the actual trained designer, Estrella Archs. I mean, look at her face here:
She looks miserable. So would you if you were trained to do this kind of thing and then given a crazy celebrity and only a month to design an entire collection that the entire fashion and entertainment worlds were waiting for. Because I bet this show is the only time TMZ might give two hoots about Ungaro. Even Project Runway finalists get more time than that. (ooh! New Project Runway challenge! Give the finalists a washed up teen celebrity to act as muse and artistic advisor! Then Tim Gunn can go visit them in their homes and roll his eyes at the celebutante passed out on the couch with a hangover, yelling about how rhinestones will make it pop. Fun idea, non?).
I think this collection should be a lesson to us all: Celebrities are Not Designers (yes, that deserves to be in bold). Let the designers do their thing and the celebrities can go do whatever it is they do. Act. Sing. A couple of lines of coke in the ladies room. Just no designing.
Amusing aside: Jian Ghomeshi mentioned the Ungaro show on Q the other day (you see! Even CBC cared. Poor Estrella. She was set up for failure). His report was that reviewers thought the collection wasn’t as bad as expected. I’m not sure what reviews he read, because unless they were expecting this collection to bring about the apocolypse, then it really was that bad. (p.s. I kind of hate Jian…but that’s an unrelated, controversial story for another day).