L-A: Ally emailed me earlier today and suggested we close the blog tomorrow as both of us had plans to go see Magic Mike. Which I fully agreed with.
I mean, between a sold out movie with Channing Tatum as a stripper, my headache and being mildly PMSy, a night off was just what the figurative doctor ordered. But then after I saw the movie, I saw comments about how horrible it was on a friend’s facebook and I thought to myself, “you know what we need? We need a movie review.” (Don’t y’all feel so lucky?)
In a nutshell
(in case you want to avoid spoilers. Or you don’t care enough to keep reading).
This movie is exactly what you think it is. Also, it is possibly the dude version of “hooker with a heart of gold”. And that is totally in my top five favourite themes in literature. Eat your heart out, Julia Roberts.
Movie marketing fail.
They clearly had no idea who would be attending this movie. Because this room full of ladies (literally. I could count the dudes on one hand) are not your demographic for bromedies (my new portmanteau for bro comedies. I don’t think this fetch is going to happen. Which is good, because someone else has already thought of it) starring Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller. Also previewed was some sort of scary movie with lots of security camera style footage and girls in underwear using tools from Ghostbusters. And the gag inducing Jennifer Garner movie about the miracle of a child that grows in your garden. I don’t even know. Show me trailers for dance movies and rom coms. This is what I am here for!
Channing Tatum made a movie that is semi-autobiographic in the sense that Channing Tatum used to be a stripper (at least this is my completely uninformed opinion). Then he became a movie star. In this story, Channing Tatum wants to build custom furniture. Which he does very little of. He spends most of his time in elaborate dance montages and hanging out with The Kid who is 19 and learning to love the life of a stripper. Which apparently involves a lot of drinking and drugs (fair. I can’t imagine it’s easy to dance for the ladies in a thong. For so, so many reasons.). Kid also has a cute, but completely wooden sister. And he turns from a kid with zero ambition to a kid who is a total d-bag. Along the way, Channing Tatum has one of those crises you have when you are hitting 30 and you have a really sweet apartment on the beach, a new truck, and you get paid in ones and fives. So he quits stripping, gets the girl, some waffles and The Kid continues on to be a bigger d-bag.
Minimal at best. Although I appreciate that only one character has a life changing revelation that causes him to quit his stripping gig. Higgity-i Figgity-ive, Channing Tatum for the whole circle of life with strippers and d-bags.
Because you could have given us a Disney moment at the end where the Kid realizes the error of his ways and goes home to his sister and his brother from another mother. In fact, I thought that’s where you were going. But no! He just took over as lead dancer and it was as though you were never the bestest exotic male dancer in Tampa. I’m just sorry you had to wear that vest for the final scenes. Harsh.
Please. This is what we were all there for.
Well, handomeness and abs and gratuitous male nudity. And we got it. Lots of it.
The non-Channing Tatums in the movie weren’t my jam. Matthew McConaughey was super oily and greasy and I expected him to suddenly morph into his character from Dazed and Confused. Instead, he just got oiler and greasier (the character demanded that. He’s kind of a natural for the part). Alex Pettyfer wasn’t bad. I couldn’t tell it was the same guy from the movie Beastly (I probably shouldn’t admit I watched that), which is something to say for his acting skills. And quite frankly, I do not understand Matt Bomer. He appeared on Glee one day and everyone was all, “Matt Bomer!” and I was all, “Who?!”
Ladies! Get it together! I went there under the assumption that we’ve all seen shirtless men before. Naked men even! But you started to lose it at the first sight of Channing Tatum’s pecs. And then this happened.
source (in case you want some more Magic Mike ass gifs)
Y’all lost your shit when that happened. And we hadn’t even hit the one minute mark.
Now, I’m not judging super harshly. I’m not going to lie about my motives for going to this movie. I knew there was going to be fellas undressing. I guess I just don’t understand the hootin’ and a-hollerin’. I would be the worst friend to bring to a real strip show. I’d be all, “this is awkward. He’s getting mostly nekkid and you’re throwing your panties at him. Give him a fiver and let’s skeedaddle.”
Oh no. nononono. Channing Tatum, Imma need you to stop wearing hats. And stripper outfits. Tearaway pants will never be sexy. You can continue to wear jogging pants with no t-shirts. The ladies all looked like they were headed to the beach, even when they weren’t. Whatevs.
Did I waste two hours of my life?
Nope. I’ve wasted more time on movies like The English Patient. For this, my expectations were fully met. Don’t go in expecting cinematic genius and you’re golden.
Fully worth the price of cheap night admission to hang out with some ladies and eating popcorn. However, I’ve yet to see Channing Tatum top his work in She’s the Man.
Ally: I’m kind of pissed that L-A decided to write a movie review because once again Ally looks like a total asshat phoning it in. What did I do after the movie? Poured myself a glass of wine and basked in the Channing Tatum afterglow.
I was nodding my head in solidarity with my blog sister throughout her review, at times thinking, “how did she make the font size go all big-like in wordpress! That girl knows her Internets!” until I hit this remark…
Channing Tatum, Imma need you to stop wearing hats.
Well, L-A, while you’re at it, why don’t you just take away all the rainbows in the world and feed chocolate to some puppies?
Taking away Channing Tatum’s baseball hats! Please. This cuts deep. Why don’t you come on over and tell my toddler that Lightening McQueen is really stuck in Radiator Springs because he’s a WASHED UP DRUNK.
I would go so far as to say that Channing Tatum could even keep his clothes on as long as he busts some moves to Pony by Ginuwine. I would attend that performance on the daily.
I’m glad L-A recalled the plot, because I couldn’t really break that down for you. I went for a brief glimpse of the wonder I first saw in Step Up, and overall I was not disappointed. Channing Tatum is now on the Pretend Boyfriend list, even though I never want him to break up with Jenna Dewan; EVER. YouTube love montage? Alrighty then!
L-A: Other than the hats, I am fully on board with Channing Tatum as a Pretend Boyfriend.
Decent Pop Video of the Week
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