Ally: I’m going to start off by apologizing for my weak performance today and the past week. I don’t have it lately. I’ve been crawling through the days just hoping that they will end soon. The good news is that vacation is coming next week, and hopefully a rest (which is hilarious, because I’m vacationing with a toddler) will bring back my gift for awful, but somewhat amusing, fodder. I shall push through for today’s post though, let’s review the favourites.
Favourite Expression: I may not do math real good, but I can Bitch Face.
Sure, I’m not the one the camera is focusing on at Lainey’s Celebrity Skool kick-off, but I highlight this image as proof of how I can execute a rather extraordinary Bitch Face. Perfecto.
Favourite Fashion Research of the Week: Hot Pants
This will make more sense when we get to my next favourite, but I couldn’t help feel a sense of regret this week that I had never owned a pair of hot pants (Friends of Mine in Real Life, please correct me on this if I am wrong and send pictures). I should have rocked these when I was 19 just as I should have rocked Miley’s haircut. I took to Google to see how hotpants were best worn, and came across this site featuring with a post titled “Hot Pants 1970”. Yes!
YouTube also provides an illustrated history of hot pants. The world continues to inspire on the daily.
Fashionable Pop Video of the Week
I sent this to L-A earlier this week, and then sent her ANOTHER email when I found the UK version. Imaging shooting not one, but TWO shitty videos!! The song itself is in heavy rotation right now on all of my technological instruments that emit music. L-A showed some concern for the outfits Cher was wearing in the US version, I thought it was one of the best styled videos I’d seen in a while, and experts agree. I mean, how can you not adore this look?
Crappy Pop Video of the Week
Fashion Indie dot com also provided us with this week’s Crappy Video. I’ll be honest, Iggy Azelea has replaced Yelawolf as my new hip hop crush. I have no idea what she is saying in this video, but I’m clapping along in appreciation for her sunglasses and red dress.
L-A: I don’t necessarily approve of the Cher videos. But it did provide for an amusing email chain in which Ally and I ended all of our emails with HRRRNNH, which appears to be the sound she makes throughout the song. Girlfriend needs to tone it down because there are times when she looks 40 and it turns out she’s not even 25. Makeup. It does wonders and horrors.
1. Rubbable Ryan Gosling
I’m not even being dirty! It’s only the greatest invention since the animated gif! I mean, take this:
You’d think that’ enough, right? No. Go here and you can put the shirt on or take it off for him. But let’s face it. It’s not like you’re going to try to put his shirt on. (When I learn how to post a rubbable gif here, it’ll be a magical day).
2. Lo Bosworth: Bitchfacin’ hero.
Lo was always my favourite on The Hills. I mean, LC is pretty and she’s got that braid, but Lo? Lo out bitchfaced them all. And let’s face it, they all needed to be bitchfaced from time to time. So when I saw this tweet and found out what she was replying to, I was delighted.
I envision Lo making this face as she tweeted:
And for that, I give Lo the “You Go Glenn Coco” Award and overwhelm you completely with animated gifs. I sort of apologize.
Haters gonna hate and Lo gonna bitchface those haters. Winner!
3. Double Bachelorette Parties
I have a busy weekend coming up, not least of which is friends with bachelorettes. So, congrats to Vanessa and to Bev and to their dudes on their upcoming weddings. I’m looking forward to your parties!
4. Fantasy Pretend Boyfriend League!
Yes, exclamation mark required.
So, a friend emailed to ask if I wanted to join Fantasy Premier Soccer League. My replies were as follows:
1. I don’t understand fantasy sports.
2. What is a Robert Van Persie?
3. How does this work? Is it like Dungeons and Dragons but with sports?
4. They aren’t on the same team? But they’re on my team? I don’t get it!
I’m pretty sure fantasy sports aren’t my thing. But you know what is? Pretend Boyfriends! And since fantasy sports are totally arbitrary and seem ridiculous and I’d probably choose them along the same lines as a Pretend Boyfriend (unless we’re talking NCAA basketball, at which point we need to take into account team colours, mascots, coaches, conferences and season W-L). So I decided to make up a whole new game, with a whole new set of arbitrary rules and you get to take part:
FPQT Fantasy Pretend Boyfriend League!
Here’s how it’ll work to start, and keep in mind that I’m making the rules up as we go:
1. Choose your Pretend Boyfriends. You get eight – one for each day of the week plus a bonus (in case one of them has plans). Pretend girlfriends also accepted. (If you need inspiration, you can refer to Smoulder)
(I will photoshop Ally’s for her later).
2. Pretend Boyfriends must be alive. If you’re going to pretend they’re you’re boyfriend, you need to pretend you can go on a date with them. This is important because it’s why MCA is not on my list.
3. First come, first serve policy: basically, Ally and I always get first pick. If you don’t like this rule, you will need to make up your own league. But I think it adds a competitive spirit. And leads to one being miffed when you realize you didn’t think of Seth Meyers first.
4. Don’t try to play the system with qualifiers. “young Mark Wahlberg in his Marky Mark phase”? No. Ally will bitchface you hard for that. You get their entire body of work as a Pretend Boyfriend.
5. You will get a chance to trade. As Commissioner of the League, I will give you a head’s up on this stuff.
6. There will eventually be a points system when I think of one. I’m leaning towards, “2 points for Pretend Boyfriend being awesome in the news” (i.e. saves kitten and old lady from burning building), “1 point for being in a decent movie” and “-1 point for being a douchnozzle this week”. We can’t promise anything, but we’ll try to rustle up some prizes.
7. As Commissioner of the League, I reserve the right to make this shit up as I go. That includes the length of the season. And that currently includes deducting points for anyone who chooses Chris Brown. You start at -10 for that.
Now go! Enter! And remember: