L-A: I was going to wait until November to start, but what the heck! Let’s start today! For the next month (or 30 posts, depending on our imagination and whether y’all enjoy this), we’re going to list our top ten or five things. Why? Because we love lists (they’re great for indecisive people who don’t want to choose one favourite. Those people being me) and because I was inspired by this list of Best Fictional Boyfriends. Which I’m going to rip off for list number one in order to create my own list of personal favourite fictional boyfriends. A list that doesn’t include Ron Weasley, because frankly, that’s one I don’t understand.
Top 10 Fictional Boyfriends
They could never exist in nature and that is why we love them.
1. Noah from the Notebook
I had to steal this one from the Thought Catalogue for the following reasons: He is absolutely certain that you are the only girl in the world who could ever make him happy. Everyone else will fall short of the perfection that is you. He will climb ferris wheels for you. He will row you out onto some magical lake. He will build you a goddamned house, even though he knows you’re marrying some other Mr. Handsomeface. And he will write you every day for a goddamned year. You will leave James Marsden for him. He can grow a beard and still be as hot as when he didn’t have a beard. He will kiss you like this in a rain storm:
Clearly fictional. A boyfriend like that could never exist in nature. I just feel bad for a generation growing up with that as an ideal boyfriend. If you are one of those boys and girls waiting on a Noah, I hate to be the one to tell you there is no Santa, but, there is no Santa. In fact, if I were a betting girl, I’d put money on Santa instead of Noah. And if you’re a boy that someone is hoping will be their Noah, god help you. Because you will never ever live up to that shit (and no bitch is worth climbing a ferris wheel for).
2. Mr. Knightly, Emma
My personal favourite iteration is Josh in Clueless, followed closely by Jonny Lee Miller and then you have Jeremy Northam taking up the third place spot. Based on these men alone, he’s totally choice boyfriend material. But it’s not just his looks. No, Mr. Knightly is much more than that. He’s that guy who gets you on just about every single level. Your entire family loves him. He’s got the same sense of humour. He’ll talk smart talk with you. You can argue and banter and shoot the shit with him. And he knows when to not take any shit from you, but in a nice way. He’ll only be a downer when you’re being an absolute raging bitch to everyone you know, and quite frankly, you probably deserved to get called out on that. He loves you in spite of your many imperfections. And if he thinks being with another dude is what makes you happiest, he’s willing to step aside and let you work that out for yourself. He loves you so fucking much, he’s willing to be miserable.
Oh, and did I mention he happens to be really rich. No? Well, that’s just the cherry on top of this perfect fictional boyfriend sundae.
3. Patrick Verona, 10 Things I Hate About You
I know. On the surface, he seems like a lousy boyfriend – what with taking money to go on a date with you. But let’s overlook that detail for a moment and really look at the kind of boyfriend he is. For starters, the hair! The smizing! And the accent! And follow that up with the fact that he’ll catch you when you (quite literally) fall and hold your hair while you puke on his shoes. He won’t bring up the table dance number on Monday morning. He’s okay that you’re usually a total bitch to him – because he knows you’ve both got gooey marshmallow centres beneath your crusty layers of scorched marshmallow. Most importantly, he pays the marching band to accompany him while he serenades you in front of your soccer team.
Did your heart not melt? No? Well, you clearly don’t have one. Because this guy is totally the best kind of boyfriend.
4. Matt Saracen, Friday Night Lights
Of all the guys on Friday Night Lights, Matt is the best boyfriend material of the lot (except maybe Landry, who will help kill a guy and hide the body…but let’s be real, that was a storyline we’d all like to forget). In spite of the fact that life has pretty much shit all over him, Matt Saracen just wants to give you and everyone else his great big wonderful heart. He takes care of his grandma, pays the bills by working after school, has the soul of an artist and the abs of a quarterback . And he loves you. Even when you’re iffy on him. Even when you’re shitty to him.* What more do you want? For him to build you a house?
*also, what is this trend of being shitty to fictional boyfriends. Fictional girlfriends of the world: get your shit together.
5. Tom, 500 Days of Summer
Also stolen from the list that inspired me, but for good reason and I think you can all understand. Just look at him! So adorable! He’s all writerly and sweater vest wearing and Smiths listening. And he just wants to adore you with those adorable brown eyes and sing musical numbers about how much he adores you. He does all this even though you, like all the other fictional girlfriends, are totally shitty to him. He’s willing to look beyond that. And that’s why we welcome him and his cardigans with open hearts.
6. Logan Echolls, Veronica Mars
Okay, I know this one is a stretch, what with him being the school’s Obligatory Psychotic Jackass and his decision to drive a banana coloured XTerra (which is never the ideal choice for a boyfriendmobile). But you need to get past that. You need to see that he’s a marshmallow – because he has got one hell of a vulnerable side when he opens up to you – his dad beats him, his girlfriend was murdered (by his dad), his mom jumped off a bridge. If that doesn’t earn him the right to be occasionally assholic, I don’t know what does. But you know what? He will do ANYTHING for you. He will punch an FBI agent. He will get the shit beat out of him. He really fucking cares about you. Other than a Gilmore Girl, he’s probably the only person in the fictional world who can go toe to toe with you when it comes to your signature brand of snark and rapid fire wit. And after 18 episodes of seeming like an asshole, this will happen and I will still get the swoons.
I’m pretty sure we can all look past the puka shell necklace for a chance to have that momentary thing.
7. Seth Cohen, The OC
We’re still reeling from the lack of Sethspotting that happened this summer. But that’s okay. I still love you Seth Cohen. You’re a skateboarding, Death Cab listening, ironic t-shirt wearing ball of everything a pretend boyfriend should be made of. He’s loved you since grade three. He’s not too proud to admit he still has a horse named Captain Oats. He’s smart and funny and sarcastic and I bet he’s the most loyal, best boyfriend you’ll ever have. He’s your soulmate, but you just haven’t figured it out yet. And he invented the word Christmakkah. Or at least he claims to have invented it and that’s enough for me. I like double holidays.
8. Ben Wyatt, Parks and Rec
Who needs a boyfriend who builds you a house when you’ve got this guy? He will put you ahead of his career. He’ll manage your election campaign. He will eat waffles with you and pretend he gets the big deal about the mini-pony. He’s super smart and can probably do your taxes for you. He is the most delightfully dorky boyfriend ever and you deserve that kind of goodness in your life. Because even though his idea of treating himself is a batman costume (that was weird), he’s only ever going to be the bestest boyfriend. Treat yo’ self and sign on to this guy as a boyfriend.
9. Ken Cosgrove, Mad Men
This one is probably a surprise. Because he’s Ken Cosgrove. Not the handsomest. Not the most successful guy in the account pod. Maybe not even the smartest. But I bet he’d treat you like fucking gold. He’s the only dude in the orbit of Don Draper who hasn’t cheated on his wife. That may not seem like much, but even Harry Crane has cheated. Harry Crane! And while you sleep at night, instead of wondering who your husband is out screwing, you’re safe in the knowledge that he’s right there next to you in his socks writing really beautiful stories to be published under a pseudonym.
10. Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice
Oh, don’t front like this guy and his smoulder isn’t your dream boyfriend – even just a little bit. He will smoulder at you from across the room and his sideburns will make you melt. He will trade witty quips with you. He will be the Colin Firth version and not the sad sack Matthew McFadyen version. He’ll respect your privacy and he’ll do anything for his family. And while he’ll totally Logan Echolls you and be a jerk, he – and I quote – ardently loves and admires you. Ladies and gentleman, if that’s not what you want a dude to say to you, then you are looking for love in all the wrong places. Once you’re done being a jerk to him and he’s done being a jerk to you, you are going to be so happy with one another it’s crazy. It’s the kind of happy you can’t even imagine. Bonus, you know he looks good under all the ruffles thanks to that wet shirt run in.
What’s your top ten fictional boyfriends? Or top five. Whatevs. I’m genuinely curious, because this was way harder than I expected and I totally forgot Nick from New Girl.